I was turned on to the idea of paying kids for chores by allowing them to earn chore bucks from Jennifer Steward of Stewardship Ministries. She had a neat chore cards system that rewarded kids when they completed all their chores.

The only problem was it required more out of me than I could seemingly handle. I loved the cards, but I didn’t love having to police it and hand out the chore bucks so the kids could use their chore bucks to pick something. So, I did what I always do. I took what I loved about the system, and threw away the parts that didn’t work for me. What I loved was the Reward system. What I didn’t love was that it felt like a bribe to me.

I would purchase items for the “Good Kids Box.” I tried to find things so there would be items each of the kids would like, bouncy balls, pencils, little horses, dinosaurs, Mad Libs, etc. I would catch my kids in the act of doing something good, and reward them. Routine home things were not always rewarded. We changed the name of chores to JOYS (Joyful Obedient Youthful Service). In other words, it was their duty.

I also had another box I called the “Blessed Kids Box.” This box contained small items like gum, little candy bars, erasers, stickers, etc. The point of this box was if one of the kids did something that warranted picking out of the “Good Kids Box,” everyone else was “blessed” to have a sibling who did something to be rewarded, so the rest of the children picked something out of the “Blessed Kids Box.”
Another thing I would sometimes do is just randomly say, “I’m so BLESSED to have such wonderful children.” One of the kids would look at me and smile.
I would smile nod at her and she would announce, “We get to pick out of the blessed kids box!” The kids loved it!

I found that using the Good Kids Box and Blessed Kids Box met my need of wanting to reward good behavior without it being a bribe.

“We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn’t mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It’s a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them.” -Don Miller from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Stories of our childhood, Bible stories, and even make-believe stories can all play a part in being able to touch the heart of our children.

When our kids were very young I created a character named Imelda.  Imelda went through many of the same challenges and temptations that my children go through.  Her sin nature always seemed to win out though, and she always had to accept the consequences. 

I must admit I had a picture in my head of Imelda as the little girl on a television show called “Laugh – In” which we watched when I was quite young.  The girl would sit in a giant rocking chair and tell about the things she did to her brother.  I remember one episode when she talked about her little brother having Chicken Pox.  She apparently connected the dots with a permanent marker.
 

I recalled this story when my children had Chicken Pox.  Imelda was born when my poor children were miserable and feeling a bit itchy.  For thirty minutes I shared about Imelda connecting the dots on her little brother.  Meanwhile I pretended on David’s belly to connect his dots using calamine lotion instead of a permanent marker, turning his dots into stars, constellations, a dog, and a cross. From there I was able to share the love of Christ in a simple way to my young children.
 

Another time we were on a six-hour drive heading to Grandma’s house.  The kids were getting a bit rambunctious in the back of our mini-van (yes, there was a time we fit in a mini-van).  As my frustration increased, I knew there must be something I could do.

“Hey, anyone want to hear an Imelda story?”  I shouted.

“Yeah!”  They shouted back in unison.

“Okay, but you must be really quiet so you can hear the story.”

I began a story of Imelda going to visit Grandma in a new, big city.  We talked all about the city and the tall buildings and the wide river that must be crossed.  Imelda, being quite disobedient at times, was very naughty on her ride to her grandmother’s house.  She was not able to sit quietly in the car and her daddy had to pull over. 

As I glanced in my rearview mirror, two of my little children sat wide-eyed as they could almost feel her pain. 

After the story was over, I didn’t have any trouble with my children getting loud for the rest of that trip.  In fact, when we got to the city, they said things like, “Is that the river Imelda crossed?”  “Oh, look at that tall building, just like the one in Mom’s story.”

Stories have a way of reaching into the hearts of our children. 

Today is a day of celebration at our house, as it is the birthday of one of our children.  I called all the little kids in my room. As we all sat on the bed cuddling, I began a story about a little girl who almost wasn’t. Her mommy and daddy had decided that five children were enough for any family. 

But God had a different plan and convinced the Mommy and Daddy that they should allow Him to create life and not hinder it.  The Mommy and Daddy prayed every day that this child would come into the world in a special way, and that the first thing she heard when she was born would be a song of praise to God.

Indeed, our little Briana Sue, which means Strong Lily, would hear a song of praise to God.  And our prayer was also for her to be a living testimony of God’s faithfulness to us.  For God is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we can ask or imagine.  We could not imagine a young lady so beautiful.  Only God could craft such a remarkable little being.

I had been holding Briana in my arms while I shared the story of the little girl.  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Is that me, Mommy?”

As I kissed her head I said, “Yes, my dear. You are that beautiful young lady who is a living testimony to the faithfulness of God.”

Quickly there was a chorus of other children saying, “Tell me about when I was born!”

I was tempted to tell them all a story, but this was Briana’s special day.  She was my gift from God on that day.

One of my first memories of doing treasure hunts was on my 13th birthday. I planned a great scavenger hunt and hoped that I could get on “his” team. You see, I invited “him” because I liked him. I also invited the girl he liked, because I knew he would come if she was coming. I even mentioned to him that she was coming to the party. Why did I do this? Because I wanted to be near “him” even though I knew the event would cause me pain, watching him with this other girl and wishing it were me.

Through the years I have done a lot of things and asked a lot of questions that I knew would cause me additional pain. How many of us ask the question, “Do I look fat?” We think we look fat, but we want someone to tell us we don’t. If they say we don’t, we question them further until they finally break down and tell us we look fat.

I wonder if this all comes from when we were little kids crying about something when our mom tells us to stop crying or she’ll give us something to cry about. Maybe, we’re still looking for the reason to cry??? I don’t know why, but I think we’re stupid and should do everything in our power to stop allowing ourselves to make more pain for ourselves.

A lot of this pain is even manufactured in our own thoughts. I remember one night when I was married and my husband hadn’t arrived home when I expected him. Suddenly my mind was all awhirl with possibilities. As I thought about them intently, I even began crying as I saw myself standing at his funeral. When he came in the front door about an hour late, I was now angry at him for causing me so much pain. He actually hadn’t done anything. I was the one manufacturing the pain in my own thoughts.

I’ve actually come to believe that the pain we manufacture in our minds actually in a weird sort of way makes us feel good, like we’re alive. But it’s so wrong on so many levels.

For one, The Bible itself tells us, “whatever is pure, whatever is noble, whatever is of good report, think upon these things.” Yet, we tend to train our minds to think about the things that cause us pain – and more pain – and even go on treasure hunts to find even more pain.

Another reason it’s wrong is that it affects our relationships with people in such a negative way. They begin to wonder if we want them to cause us pain because we ask them such questions that only have an answer that would cause pain.

In one of my former relationships, the person would constantly want me to justify to them why I had broken up with them. Over and over he would want my reasons for leaving him. Who does that help? It only forced me to continue to tell him what I didn’t like about him that was enough for me to break up with him.

I’ve done it too. I remember sobbing to someone on the phone once, “Why don’t you want me?” Oh my goodness, what was I thinking? Hurt me more?

I’ve even gone so far as searching for things that would even cause me more pain. I think perhaps I thought it would help if I only “knew the truth.” – and we all know, “the truth will set you free.” But that statement used in this way is totally incorrect. It’s more accurately “the Truth will set you free.”

Ladies – ladies – ladies (am I listening???) We need to stop causing ourselves more pain! We need to turn our lives around to the place where we are expecting joy – not sorrow.

Okay, so how do we do this?

Of course we can’t change everything in one day, so I’m going to just ask you to be aware. Be aware of those questions you ask of others that can only produce one result – more pain. Usually that question begins with the word, Why did you….and relates to us.

One more thing I want you to notice is how you process your thoughts. When something happens, like a child isn’t home on time, where do your thoughts go? Do they go to positive things like, “Oh he probably just got talking with his friends and lost track of time?” Or do you begin to think the worst? “Maybe he ran out of gas? Maybe he was in a car accident? Oh NOOOOOO! And pretty soon we’re all worked up. Then they come in the front door and say, “Sorry, I lost track of time.”

When you are feeling yourself pained. Stop and ask yourself, is this related to the way I’m thinking?

I’m on a new treasure hunt – looking for that great treasure that resides in my own mind.

Ahhh…lying here on the beach so relaxed …. (reality check – sitting in a car waiting)

I just found this video!!! It’s awesome! Take a look.

I’m sure some of you parents can’t even believe I’m saying this. Aren’t we put on this earth to guide our children? To help them make wise choices? I say, yes to those, but I also believe that the way we make wise choices is by learning from the ones that weren’t so wise. Oh goodness, I still make choices that aren’t wise. And there are times I wish I could just look at someone and ask them to make some of those difficult decisions for me. But I can’t. And I have to live with the consequences of my decisions.

I thought my parents had a pretty good take on offering advice. With the exception of when I was a young teen and had gotten myself into a huge life transforming mess, they rarely spoke up with advice, unless I asked them for it. I am quite certain my parents believed in me. They believed in my ability to make rational decisions, and to be willing to accept the consequences of my behavior.

Some people may consider this to be more of a “hands off” parenting approach. On the contrary I think it’s more an “into the depths of their being” approach. When a parent is quick to advise a teen, it makes that teen feel like the parent doesn’t trust them. Hey, we may not! We may not have the proof that the teen can make right decisions. (Disclaimer – I’m not talking about teens who are addicted to drugs or other dangerous behavior) But our teen needs to know that we believe in them. We believe they will make the best choices for their lives. That means we can’t jump into their lives with “our” solution. They must wrestle within themselves to come up with the right thing to do. Oftentimes that means we have to sit by and watch our child fail at something.

I’ve never had one of my teens say, “Why didn’t you rescue me from that mistake?” When they realize they have made mistakes, my role as their parent is to love them through the mistake and encourage them in such a way that they know I believe in them and in their strength to persevere in spite of perhaps a lapse of judgement.

I’ve failed many times! I’ve made monumental mistakes! I’m even pretty sure I’ve made some major parenting mistakes. We all do!

When my oldest son turned 17 I told him that he had one more year of practice before becoming an official adult. I told him that he is transitioning into adulthood. From that moment forward, his decisions were his to make, with the consequences, being his to bear. But, that his last year was a practice for adulthood year. It would be a year kind of like a circus performer who learns to walk on a tightrope by walking close to the ground, then having a net to catch him if he falls. As I watched him make decisions with consequences that he wouldn’t like, I kept reminding him that I believed in him. I often reminded him of the scripture in Jer that talks about having a future and a hope. I told him that even those words were not written directly to him, that I believed them for his life. Mistake after mistake I saw him make. It was difficult to standby and watch as he made poor choices for his life. But I believed! Again these aren’t choices like drinking or drugs, they are more the day to day choices of how to spend his time, how to care for himself, etc. I resisted the urge on many occasions to preach to him. His responses were going to have to come from his heart. Sure, I could have enacted family legislation to create behavior modification, but how could that help him in the future when there wasn’t anyone there legislating him? I would rather see my child make those mistakes while still at home with the safety net beneath him. In just over a month from now, he will turn 18. I’m not going to send him out into the world at 18 simply because it’s some magic number. But I will expect adult behavior – and I believe that is what he will exhibit.

Do you have high expectations for your children? Or do you have high demands? You know, there is a difference. I expect that my children will make the right choices for their lives. Afterall it is their lives that depend on it!

One of my adult children is living at home with me. Recently she found herself faced with some difficult consequences resulting from her own behavior. I wanted to jump in with all the advice I could muster. I wanted to take “my little girl” and tell her how to make it all okay again. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t my place. Instead, I told her, “I believe in you. I believe you will make the best decision. You do not have to decide anything today. I’m here for you.” Then I stepped back and watched the miracle of a child – choosing the path for her adult life.

Sometimes the parenting our teens really need is a parent who says, “I believe in you!” – then we step back and watch as the child learns to fly.