I’ve been immersing myself in some new creative ventures. For the most part, it’s been a welcome distraction. It’s not that I’m trying to be distracted, it’s just that for me to sit around just feeling bad is not helpful, so I’m being creative. When I get absorbed in creation of a new project, I put myself wholly into it. It ignites me. Gives me vision for the future. And makes me feel like the future is good.
When I woke up today, I felt like a slug. I sat in my chair and looked at my screen. I could barely bring myself to even respond to an e-mail. It’s like I’ve gone into slow motion, but time is passing quickly. NO! I want it to slow down. If I can make time go slowly, then I will have more time. Tears want to come frequently today. I don’t want to fight it, but there are things I must do that would not be great with tear stained eyes. I’ve gotten up to go take a bath several times, but by the time I hit the bathroom, I just want to sit again. So I sit on the floor of the bathroom. I will myself to get up and go downstairs where I make a little lunch for Bryan and I as we talk about monsters. It was another welcome distraction. Except that I want to think about Mom. She called me today. I’m so thankful for her calls. I’ve been tempted to always let it go to voicemail when she calls so I can replay them later when she isn’t able to call anymore.
My voicemail message says to leave me a brief message. One time she called and said, “Brief, Brief, Brief, Brief, Brief.” Today she called and said, “I’m at the funeral home, need to know how to spell one of the kid’s names.” I don’t want her at the funeral home. I don’t want her needing to write down my kids’ names. I don’t want her to die! … and now..I’m going to go take a bath.